Well, That was Absurdly Painful…

I’m working on a forgiveness practice, because I have found that forgiveness (like metta) really moves energy in my system, in a way I simply don’t feel with grounding, centering, chakra aligning and all sorts of other meditative practices. Even chanting gives me a more “water wearing away rock” sort of feeling.

Image

An Oshun/Het-hert mashup that I can’t find the artist for,

ladies of the Mirror.

Forgiveness practice, however just rocks my foundation. I always feel free and refreshed after it. I was gifted a copy of a Hay House Forgiveness book. Hay House can be kind of fluffy new age, and that’s what I was expecting when I did the mirror gazing meditation download that came with the book.

So wrong.

As an Oshun, I am no stranger to looking in mirrors. When I was between 3 and about 7, the Tanisha in the mirror was my best friend. She was having totally different adventures than I and had a lion for a best friend.

Among the guided questions in this meditation were:

What’s your biggest fear?
“I’m afraid to be here in this world.”

What’s your greatest shame?
“I’m ashamed of the role I’ve played in my own abuses, and in accepting things, people, circumstances that were not in my best interests. Especially when I was the one creating justifications for them.”

What’s your greatest desire?

“To constantly create beauty, in my life and the world.”

There were other questions, about your greatest gifts and your best accomplishments. There was gratitude and love, but holy mother, a Hay House meditation kicked my tush.

I didn’t know that I felt completely unsafe here on earth. I can grasp how very early in life, I could have gotten the idea that incarnating here was a mistake. I was born deaf, with hydrocephalus, and without eustachian tubes. When I was two, a doctor *cut my ear away from my head* with no anesthesia.My father heard me scream two doors down. My mom broke into the operating room in a fierce panic. Existing was painful, my mom was worried she’d kill me by giving me the wrong medicines at the wrong time or in the wrong combinations. I’d bang my head against something until I passed out. My ear infections were constant.

Luckily, when I was 15, my body decided to grow it’s own eustachian tubes. I had the last of the fake ones removed. I can hear fine, though I can’t ride a bike because of balance issues, and I can never tell what direction a sound is coming from. I can’t deal with conflicting sounds, having a radio and a tv on at the same time is torture.

*so I get the why of these answers* I just didn’t really know they were there, and it’s hard to accept that some part of me, deep down, doesn’t even want to be here. It explains a lot, about my own personal neurosis, but how do I create a life that reflects my desires-when I don’t even want to have it, or even be here? It isn’t like I want someone else’s life, I just don’t even want my own.

It’s a lot to sit with.

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About tanisharose

Priestess of Love and Beauty, Witch of the East, Tarot and Rune Reader, Spirit Worker
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4 Responses to Well, That was Absurdly Painful…

  1. soskidottir says:

    Thank you for sharing, I too never felt like this world was/is home, maybe other reasons but I do as well want to love and create beautiful things. Your honesty about accepting situations that weren’t always best and then justifying them, oh so many times for me. I love forgiveness too, it is like sweeping clean air into my soul.

  2. EmberVoices says:

    I think the Pagan community too often overlooks the value of both Grattitude and Forgiveness as spiritual exercises because they are so famously Christian practices. But they are intensely powerful, and I believe they are absolutely necessary for pretty well all humanity. Only they’ve been so corrupted and manipulated, socially, that a lot of people are burnt out on them.

    It’s really beautiful to see someone working this way. Thank you.
    –Ember–

  3. tanishal says:

    Thanks, Ember. I’ve learned forgiveness rites in ADT settings, but I figure if it’s beautiful and loving, it pleases The Ladies, no matter where it comes from.

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